i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
