I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
