Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
