Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
