i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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