I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
