shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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