Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
