I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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