how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Damn victory sex feels great
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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