You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
