We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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