R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I smell like Dick and happiness
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