his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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