i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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