his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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