I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
