make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
