That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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