Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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