I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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