all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
