a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
where does the pee come out of this thing
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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