what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
