pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
