finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
