There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
