i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
