Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
