can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
