Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
