i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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