The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
