i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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