Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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