just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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