Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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