Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
