He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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