cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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