You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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