She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
