last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
