Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
