I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
