You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
