He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
