Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
