Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
