you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
