How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
