its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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