Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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