Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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