my vag is so smooth its legendary
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
