Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
