I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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