My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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