Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
