and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
